I have always been an anxious person, I maybe did not know that until relatively recently, but it’s always been there.

Not necessarily visible to others all the time but I live my life on high alert, more so due to trauma, but even before that I had, what are now obvious, symptoms of anxiety.

I think it was February 2024, when I was officially diagnosed with GAD, but I knew around 5 years before that I had anxiety.

I wouldn’t say it was a problem as such, just an alternative way of living, I guess.

So why am I talking about this now?

Well on Saturday morning my anxiety just went, I can pin point the second it happened, but I cannot explain it.

Of course, there have been times I have been less anxious or more anxious, but it has always been there.  As I’ve described to people in the past it’s like I just live my life at a higher level of anxiety.

Since Saturday, nothing, I’m just not an anxious person.  And honestly, it is just weird.

One friend is probably sick of me mentioning it to them, because I have been a little unbearable about it to be honest.

So here is my list of positives and negatives:

Positives

1. I’m still overthinking but not in an anxious way, there are millions of thoughts, but they’re chilled thoughts and so it feel quieter.
2. I’m actually able to relax, I don’t feel like every noise is an intruder, I’m not constantly worrying about everything.
3. In some ways I feel more like myself, like a fog has lifted, and honestly I feel fucking amazing!

Negatives

1. With my anxiety leaving so has my motivation, without anxious thoughts of shame and guilt I’m struggling to motivate myself to do anything.
2. Anxiety is gone, but my emotions are definitely not!  Which is good, because that means I’m not numb, but also it would be nice to get through a TV show with the feels getting me!
3. I have no idea what has caused it and that bothers me.  Clearly something has changed, but there is nothing overly obvious, sure my diet is better at the moment and I’m exercising, but I’ve been in the same position before and it hasn’t made this difference.

So yeah, I don’t really know what this shift means or how long it will last, but for now, I’m just rolling with it. Maybe it’s a glitch in the matrix, maybe it’s growth, maybe it’s just my brain finally giving me a breather. I do not know. What I do know is that I’m not taking it for granted. If it all comes back tomorrow, I’ll deal with it then. But today, I’m breathing easier, thinking softer, and feeling a little more like myself. And that, for now, is enough.