What Does That Even Mean?

Let’s start with a story about my dad.  He’s a wheelchair user, there’s no mistaking it; my dad has visible health conditions.  He fits the stereotype of what many people think of when they hear the word “disabled”.  When you meet him, you can see what he’s dealing with, and in many ways, his struggles are out there for everyone to see.  Something that he hates might I add!

But here’s the thing: Just because my dad’s struggles are visible doesn’t mean that every health condition, mental or physical, fits into a neat, easily identifiable box.  I’ve got ADHD, and trust me, it doesn’t look like what people expect.

When I tell people about my ADHD, I often get responses like, “You don’t look like you have ADHD”.  People think ADHD should look a certain way loud, hyperactive, chaotic and when I don’t fit that image, all the time, it’s as if they’re questioning whether I’m really dealing with it at all.  But the truth is, ADHD doesn’t have a set look.

Stereotypes Around ADHD: More Than the “Chaotic” Image
When people hear ADHD, they often picture someone who’s disorganised, constantly moving, and even a bit reckless.  Maybe they expect you to be forgetful, unable to follow through, or always running behind on tasks.  Some days, I am this, I can be an absolute mess, but also I can be the complete opposite.

For me, ADHD can also look like mental paralysis when I know I need to do something, but my brain can’t seem to focus long enough to get started.  It’s the feeling of being overwhelmed with emotion but being unable to act on it.  It’s days when I hyperfocus so intensely on something that I lose track of time, forget to eat, or miss a deadline.  It’s an inner chaos that isn’t visible to anyone else.  ADHD doesn’t always mean being the loudest in the room; sometimes, it is being the quietest.

But despite these challenges, I’m still here, navigating my career, completing a PhD, and taking on big responsibilities.  From the outside, I might look like I’ve got it all together, but ADHD doesn’t disappear just because you’re high-achieving or professional.  It’s there, in the background, subtly influencing everything I do.  ALL THE TIME.

The “You Don’t Seem Like You Have ADHD” Comment
I remember telling someone close to me that I was getting a diagnosis for ADHD.  Their response?  “Oh, I wouldn’t have thought you have ADHD”, it took a lot for me to not be a little annoyed at this.  It was as if, because I didn’t match the stereotype, I wasn’t really dealing with it. 

But here’s the thing: just because I don’t fit the image in your head, doesn’t mean I’m not living with ADHD, and just because I have masked it my entire life doesn’t mean that I do not struggle on a daily basis.  Today itself has been an uphill battle to say the least!

It’s Not Just ADHD

And it’s not just ADHD.  When I was diagnosed with PCOS, I got the same responses.  “You don’t look like you have PCOS.”  And when I corrected people about the common misconception that PCOS makes you infertile, I could see the confusion in their eyes.  One person even commented that I do not look overweight, or overly hairy, so they just couldn’t understand how I could possibly have it.  The fact I went for three months with no period, had a fanny scanny (an ultrasound) and discovered my ovaries were covered in follicles.

It happens to people all the time, not just relating to health conditions, I have had it for being a doctor, I had someone comment that I don’t seem the type to do a PhD, and yet here I am.

We’re All Guilty of It, But It’s About How We Approach It
We’ve all done it, made assumptions about what someone’s health, mental state, or life should look like based on the stereotypes we’ve internalised.  Whether it’s about ADHD, or anything else, it’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that someone’s struggle should look like the picture we have in our minds.

But here’s the thing, it’s not the assumptions that matter it’s how we choose to approach them.  We can recognise that these stereotypes exist, and we can be more open minded and curious about other people’s lived experiences.  Instead of judging or dismissing someone based on how they “look” on the outside, we can listen, ask questions, and learn.

When someone says, “You don’t look like you have ADHD,” what they really mean is, “You don’t fit the stereotype I have in my head.” And that’s a THEM problem, not a me problem.  ADHD, like so many conditions, doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all look.  And it’s important to stop assuming that it does.

Masking ADHD: The Quiet Struggle
As someone with ADHD, I’ve learned to mask it, to adapt and make systems that help me stay on track.  I use reminders, calendars, and lists to help manage my time, and I’ve developed strategies to keep myself organised.  But none of that means I’m not still struggling internally.  I’ve had to create structures just to survive ADHD, and that doesn’t mean the struggle isn’t real.  The struggle is still there it’s just not always visible to others.

The Real Message Behind “You Don’t Look Like You Have X”
So, the next time someone says, “You don’t look like you have ADHD” it’s important to remember they’re not invalidating your experience on purpose.  They’re just going off the stereotype they’ve been conditioned to believe.  And while it’s not ideal, it’s an opportunity for us to correct those misconceptions and help people understand that these conditions can look different from what they expect.

A Reminder: These Conditions Don’t Have a “Look”
ADHD doesn’t have a “look”.  Its not about fitting into someone’s box.  We’re allowed to be high functioning, we’re allowed to mask, and we’re allowed to show up however we can messy, imperfect, and still deserving of validation.

So, the next time someone says, “You don’t look like you have ADHD” you have my full permission to smile and say: “Good.  Because it doesn’t have a specific look.”

And let’s keep in mind: we’re all trying our best.  Let’s give each other the grace to exist outside of stereotypes and assumptions.  💖