So the title is mildly misleading! Ever since I discovered the idea of unmasking I have been wondering about how much I actually mask. It turns out its A LOT. The more I ponder this question the more I realise that I have spent my entire life hiding who I am to the point I genuinely struggle to know who I am myself. And let me tell you, that is a pretty lonely place to be.

You may be wondering why I would write about unmasking when I am clearly not all that good at doing it. The truth is that in the last 1 – 2 years I have been very slowly pealing back the layers and trying to figure out who I actually am.

As someone who went undiagnosed with ADHD for a long time, and someone who is a seemingly high achiever with OCD tendencies and anxiety it is easy to understand why I have always found masking the easier option. I am constantly on high alert and worried about what people might think of me. Which is weird because in some respects I have always been unmasked, I genuinely could not care less about wearing make up or dressing in a certain way to appease others. If I wear make up its because I want to (and because I had the time to put it on) and I wear the clothes I feel work on the day, based on my feelings. But when it comes to my personality and who I am, I constantly try to hide it and never quite relax.

The picture above is from one of the few times I ever felt completely unmasked. It was taken in May last year (2024). I realise it is totally not a flattering picture to be posting to strangers on the internet, but this specific picture reminds me of a time I felt like I was completely myself. It was taken during a trip to see my friend Beth in Northern Ireland. We are long time friends who do not get to see each other often due to the fact there is a sea between us. I feel like on the trip there was no expectation, no pressure, no need to hide the negative things I worry about others judging me. A huge part of this is how unbelievably welcomed into Beth’s home I felt (it included a gift on my bed) but I think also just being away from daily life helped too. I love Northern Ireland, there is something about it that almost feels like home, perhaps its my constant longing for the ocean and it having some of the most beautiful coast line, or maybe it is because I lived with Beth for three years at university, but visiting Northern Ireland brings me some kind of peace. We spent the time I was there walking, talking, eating and exploring, it was literally the most wonderful trip, made even better by the extremely cheap flights! I loved every second of that trip and I wish I could bottle how I felt on it.

I can honestly say there are a total of around 4 people I can truly be myself around, and even then I mask to an extent. I think there is one person that has ever really seen the fully unmasked version of me, and that somewhat scares me and also makes me quite sad. However, to those 4 people that I do feel comfortable around, I love you, and thank you for letting me be me!

I used to use alcohol as a way to unmask if I was in social settings, I wouldn’t say it was an issue from the point of view of alcoholism, I barely drank 5 times a year, but I definitely used to use it as a crux so that I didn’t have to worry so much about everything. However, in August, after alcohol made me more anxious rather than less, I decided to give it up. This has forced me to re-evaluate who I am in social settings, and it has been HARD. I now sit feeling anxious any time I am at a party, out for food with others, but weirdly, I actually prefer that to the fake version of myself I feel like alcohol provides. I doubt I will never drink again, but if I do I want it to be for enjoyment of the refreshment rather than as a way to mask over masking!

In September, I started a new teaching position, and in teaching it is near impossible to unmask as the job is in many ways an act anyway. I have however met students who are confident in their neurodiversity, and it is a wonderful thing to see! One student reminds me so much of who I could have been as a student. She clearly has ADHD and she just lives her life in such an unapologetic way. Granted, as her teacher there are times I wish she would not act on every impulse, but its amazing to see her just be authentically herself and not let other people dictate the box she should exist in. Teaching students like her has shown me that the symptoms of ADHD do not have to always be this hidden away secret. I talk about ADHD with anyone and everyone, but I still hide a lot of the chaos in my mind from others and I definitely could learn from my students that sometimes its okay to let others see the real you.

I have spent years of my life feeling lonely, constantly, and I genuinely think most of that is because I never really let anyone get to know the real me, and I am still unravelling who the real me is. I am definitely still early on in my journey, I am far from unmasked, and with some people I know I will never be fully unmasked, but I feel like I make mini strides towards unmasking every day with the help of my friends.

Hopefully one day I can write about unmasking from a place where I feel completely unmasked. Until then I would love to hear other people’s stories about unmasking, and any tips or tricks anyone has to ease the transition!

Kx